Baywatch Crossover by Tyler Roper One thing TV executives can usually rely on selling is good-looking women in skimpy outfits. Virtually every detective show out there usually finds some excuse to investigate a gym or health spa, and most comedies eventually visit an aerobics class or dance studio or cheerleading tryouts. The list of programs that have not stooped to this is far shorter than the list of those that have. And then there are those whose premise is built almost entirely around getting a woman into Lycra and having her jump around a lot. A generation ago, we had Wonder Woman, with Lynda Carter filling out star-spangled tights. More recently, we have Baywatch, where roughly half the show is devoted to cavorting hardbodied lifeguards. Though Wonder Woman was among the most physical of the comic book heroines, we rarely got to see the good old fashioned slobbernocker fights that you'd expect from such a premise. Usually fights were just a lot of rolling around and tossing around - though she did get hit with chloroform or gas often enough you'd think they had it on sale at K-mart or something. Baywatch has had its share of women in peril, even being kidnapped or tied up. So far as I know, the gals rarely get into fights - with one glorious exception. In an episode entitled "Homecoming", Alexandra Paul returns to Baywatch just in time to get into a wicked, all-out fistfight with a female terrorist. After getting punched, slapped, thrown into a wall and rammed headfirst into a mast, Alexandra finally has her lights put out with a wicked kick to head. Such were my inspirations for this story. Obviously this is a work of fiction and none of these actresses behaved like this in real life, whatever that is. We think. Opening theme plays over montage of Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) being held by two shadowy female forms, all in black, while the other works her over like a heavy bag on the beach. Shot of Baywatch lifeguards Alexandra Paul, Tracy Bingham, and Yasmine Bleeth showing up, stunned by what they are seeing. Each then tackles a shadow-woman. Scene shows Wonder Woman handing each a star-shaped locket - one red, one white, one blue. Scene then shows the three transforming in balls of different colored light into... themselves, each wearing a Wonder Woman suit that is much better and tighter than the original. The words "Wonder Woman" shift into "Wonder Woman Emergency Squad". Tonight's Episode: Return of The Shadow Trio A pleasant day at Baywatch finds nearly every white person under twenty three frolicking on the beach. No one else ever seems to come to this beach except to make trouble or hit on Mitch. Yasmine Bleeth and Tracy Bingham run along the beach, for no reason we can fathom other than to provide plenty of slow motion footage of their casabas. They come up on the more athletically-built Alexandra Paul, whose smaller bosom is stuffed into a rather more conservative suit. After comparing how many lives each saved that morning, Alexandra tells them that a rare diamond was stolen right on this very beach. Diamond? Tracy asks. Doesn't that remind you of the Shadow Trio? Yasmine adds (for new viewers): That time we helped Wonder Woman, and she gave us each a portion of her powers? Sure does! I wonder, Alexandra wonders, does Wonder Woman know about this? Scene change. In a nondescript warehouse, in a large square area somehow left empty even though the rest of the place has crates all over the place, Wonder Woman is just picking herself up off the ground. Surrounding her are three well-built female silhouettes, seemingly made of shadow themselves. Wonder Woman throws one of the shadow-girls into some crates, but another grabs her from behind. Before the heroine can react, a third shadow-girl sinks a punch deep into her gut. Ooogh! The first shadow-girl takes a crate and breaks it over Wonder Woman's head. Crunch! Lynda staggers but kicks out, sending the first girl to the floor! Her arms still being held, however, and now the third girl grabs the outstretched leg and holds it, while punching the heroine's star-spangled crotch. Oogh. Repeatedly. Oogh. Ooooonnnhg. (music blares with last blow, then fades as Wondy goes out). Lynda's head hangs forward, swinging limply. The girl who was holding her lays the semi-conscious superwoman across a crate - her limbs and head hang off the sides. Then the trio goes to work. We don't actually see Wonder Woman getting hit - just the three forms raining their fists down below the screen, with accompanying whumps and thuds. After thirty seconds or so of this, the camera pans back - Wonder Woman lies beaten on the crate, completely finished, as the three shadow girls stand gloating. Perfect, one says, Wonder Woman is ours! The sun is setting on the beach. Alexandra, Tracy and Yasmine gather together outside the locker room entrance. No one has heard from Wonder Woman, Alexandra says, even though another diamond was stolen from a rich movie star on this beach. You know what this means. Yes, says Yasmine - it's up to us. With purpose, the three swimsuit stars march into the locker room as music swells. As one, they each open a locker, and step inside. They turn and face us, arms at their sides, heroic expressions all. Then the bottom drops out of the lockers, and they fall straight down. Scene shifts to underground computer-filled headquarters of the Wonder Woman Emergency Squad! Three doors open in the wall, and our heroines stride out. Waiting for them is an older-but-still-hot Victoria Principal, wearing a business suit with a very short skirt and the blouse tucked up under her breasts. She has a pair of glasses perched on her head, though we've never seen her wear them. What's up, Vic? Alexandra asks. Those diamond thefts on the beach can only mean one thing - the Shadow Trio is back. I knew it! says Tracy, pounding her fist in her palm. They are getting pretty bold, because, Victoria says, I think they have captured Wonder Woman. She looks at the girls gravely. If they have, the entire city - and the beach - are in danger. The Shadow Trio must be stopped! (rock style music starts) Alexandra holds her star-shaped pendant out in front of her and shouts "Power of Justice!" An explosion of blue light erupts, and she is standing there in a Wonder Woman suit - with a few differences. She has no tiara, bracelets or lasso (those are magical gifts of the gods for Diana alone), and her boots are blue. Yasmine holds her star-shaped pendant out in front of her and shouts "Power of Defender!" An explosion of red light erupts, and she is standing there in a Wonder Woman suit - with a few differences. She has no tiara, bracelets or lasso (those are magical gifts of the gods for Diana alone), and her boots are solid red. Tracy holds her star-shaped pendant out in front of her and shouts "Power of Freedom!" An explosion of white light erupts, and she is standing there in a Wonder Woman suit - with a few differences. She has no tiara, bracelets or lasso (those are magical gifts of the gods for Diana alone), and her boots are white. (Yes, the description is repetitive. So are these transformation scenes - we see it every week!) The three heroines stand heroically, hands on their hips, as Victoria continues. The S.U.R.F.S.U.P. Computer has determined three potential hideouts for the Shadow Trio where they could be holding Wonder Woman. One is at the Seaside Amusement Park, one is on board a mysterious black yacht that is just offshore, and the other is at Denise Austin's Beachside Exercise Studio. I'll take the Carnival, Alexandra says, rushing heroically offscreen as if she's going to get there any faster. I'll take the amusement park, says Tracy, turning and running off. That leaves the exercise studio for me, says Yasmine, running off. Good luck to all of you, Victoria says. The fate of the beach rests in your hands. Find Alexandra on a jet ski, all decorated up in red, white and blue, as she approaches a big black cabin cruiser parked a mile offshore. On deck, Allison Armitage is relaxing in a very revealing black one piece and a diaphanous wrap skirt, reading an Acapulco travel guide. As Alexandra leaps up onto the deck, Allison looks up in mild surprise. Wonder Woman! Hello! I'm looking for someone - can I check out your ship? She says. Allison gets up and walks over to the cabin door. Of course. But you can't go downstairs. Alexandra sticks her face up close to Allison's. If there's nothing down there, there's no harm in looking, right? Allison shrugs and says, right, and opens the door, gesturing for Alexandra to go first. Scene shifts down in the cabin. Alexandra walks over to a black metal suitcase that is sitting on a bench; it is covered with various stickers saying Poison, Flammable, Radioactive, Mr. Yuk, Nuke the Gay Whales and other suspicious stuff. As she leans over to open it (giving us a nice shot of her cleavage) Allison attempts to brain her with a wrench! Alexandra blocks it, but Allison punches her in the head! Unh! Alexandra punches her back! Ugh! Allison grabs Alexandra's arm, and yanks it, painfully - then flings the heroine against the cabin wall! Ugh! Then the other one, across the cabin! Oof! Alexandra shakes free and tries to run topside, where she has more room to fight, but Allison grabs her and tosses her up against a bench on the wall! Allison kicks her in the stomach! Whuuugh! Alexandra gets up and throws a wild punch. Allison grabs her arm, twists it behind her, and runs forward toward the camera, ramming the heroine's head into the mast! The jazzy music stops, as a grimacing Alexandra sinks from sight. A different view. Holding her head with one hand, slowly Alexandra rises, shakily. Kai-ya! Allsion shouts. Bwok! The bad girl kicks her in the head, sending "Wonder Woman" spinning across the cabin! She hits the wall, falls onto a cabinet, then crumples off of that onto the floor. Alexandra lands tits-up, her head toward us, totally unconscious. Allison stands gloating over the helpless superheroine, and places a foot onto Wonder Woman's chest. Scene changes now to an abandoned boardwalk amusement park. Tracy, resplendent in her skintight Wonder Woman suit, walks cautiously down the boardwalk. Suddenly, from the right side of the screen, a shadow-girl flies feet first into Tracy, knocking her into one of the game booths (and knocking over the milk jugs, winning a prize)! Looking for me, Wonder Woman? chides the shadowy form, picking up softballs from the game counter. As Tracy stands the shadow-girl beans her. Uuh! Then another hits her in the tits. Oof! The shadow-girl never gets off a third, because Tracy leaps out and socks her, sending her farther down the boardwalk! Tracy knocks the bad girl down with a blow to the chest. Aaugh! But as she leaps forward, the shadow-girl puts her feet in Tracy's breadbasket and hurls her into the side of a cotton candy stand! Tracy's head goes side to side -she is stunned. The shadow-girl lands a solid punch in the heroine's big eagled breasts! Boomf! Uugh! Then another - and another! Oogh! Uuh! Tracy kicks out, knocking down the villainess and getting some breathing room. But before she can do anything, another flying kick hits her, and she staggers back into the backboard of the Test Your Strength Hammer Game. The shadow-girl grabs the hammer and brings it back over her head. Bye bye, Wonder Woman she sneers. Helpless, Tracy blanches. The hammer comes down, missing the heroine completely. Tracy's look of relief is replaced by pain when the lead weight rockets up into her crotch! It hits with such force that Tracy is carried up the backboard until her head hits the bell - then she falls into a red, white and blue pile of tits and legs at the villain's feet. Fade out. Yasmine is running toward the beachfront exercise studio where Denise Austin films her show, and she bounces just as nicely in her tight Wonder Woman suit as anything else she wears. The set is dark, naturally, since it is evening, but Yasmine runs right onto the set anyway. As she looks around, she fails to see the camera on the boom behind her - Crack! Yasmine holds her head in both hands, moaning. Oh, I'm sorry, Wonder Woman, mocks the shadow-girl stepping out of the darkness. Here, let me take your mind off your head. She winds up a haymaker, and slams it into Yasmine's lovely breast! Gooogh! The heroine flies back through the plasterboard logo for the exercise show! As Yasmine staggers to her feet, she is met with another blow that sends her into Denise's exercise machines. The heroine grunts as she crashes onto the weight machine, her arms and legs hanging limply as she tries to clear her head. The villainess begins socking her in the breasts, alternating, getting a good beat going. With each one Yasmine grunts slightly softer until she is almost completely knockered out. The villainess steps back so we can get a good view. Time to put you nitey nite, Wonder Woman she sneers. She picks the helpless girl up off the bench, stands her up, and tilts back her chin. A terrific punch sends the good girl flying down the beach into a lifeguard tower, smashing it to pieces upon impact! Camera closes in as this Wonder Woman's unconscious body is pulled from the rubble. Screen goes dark. It's getting lighter out on the beach. The three beaten girls slowly wake up, moaning and twisting and turning enough to give us good views of their spandexed bodies. They lie spread-eagled in the sand, their wrists and ankles held in place with cement. Water laps at their boots. Three shadow-girls stand over them, gloating. Wakey wakey, wonder wenches! The good girls look at each other, at least as much as they are able to move, and you can see the disappointment that they feel that all of them are captured. Uh, Alexandra says, who are you? Where is Wonder Woman? The three bad girls touch a spot under their masks, and the black hoods fizz away like a cheap digital effect. All three look like Allison Armitage. Huh? Tracy asks. You all look alike. (we just said that) That is because, fools, Allison says as they all merge together in another cheap effect, we are all part of one body! Triplets, who join to form the Shadow Queen! But, why join? Yasmine asks. You are plenty powerful on your own. Because, fool, only by reaching full power can I blot out the sun, making your beach cool and shady - hahaha! You fiend! Alexandra says. But Wonder Woman will stop you! Ha! Will she? Allison gloats as the girls struggle. You criminal - what have you done with Wonder Woman? Allison bends down close. You know that punching bag you lifeguards work out on? Well, she's stuffed inside there! Your lifeguard friends will keep her nice and quiet - and the waves will finish you three for good! The water is up to the crotches of the heroine's supersuits. They struggle again. Unh! Stop! Yasmine says. Tracy grunts Why are you doing this? To make the beach safe for normal people, "Allison" says as she pulls a zipper down the front of her body. "Allison" falls in two, revealing... Mary Lou Retton? Yasmine gasps. Of the Special Olympics? Tracy gasps. Why? Alexandra gasps. You beach bunnies were pretty condescending to me when I brought Special Olympics here, says Mary Lou. I saw how you treated me and other women on the beach, how no guys even looked at us... Cause you're a fat little shrimp, Yasmine says. Aaaaugh! She cries as Mary Lou kicks her in the stars. See? Mary Lou says as Yasmine whimpers. Most women don't have those kind of bods - we can't even come onto this beach! Well, all that is gonna change! She turns and walks away. Wait, Mary Lou! Alexandra calls. Every time you make a guest shot you have to do some gymnastics, because you can't act! It's in your contract. Well, smiles Mary Lou, that's right! She runs up and vaults, landing on Alexandra's chest. Gaaahhhgh! Grabbing Tracy's tits as handholds, she does a handstand! Oooough! Then she does leaps, flips and cartwheels, using the Wonder Women as a gym mat. The credits start to roll and the camera fades out, the heroine's final coos in the background.